Marine.

Wow.
It has been so long since I've updated.
SO much has changed.

James Evans is out.
Really out.

He is a weird kid, I think that may or may not have been the reason why I kept pushing him away. Since I wrote him while he was gone, and I was so excited for him to come home, I think I kept trying to make it work when I knew it wasn't going to. We're just really.....REALLY different.

Anyway.
Now Joe Harmon is in.

For one more day.
See.....
He joined the U.S. Marine Corps.

Lets go back.
Joe and I have known each other since elementary school. He liked me all through elementary, but I wasn't feelin it. He just had a mullet, and boys had cooties.
We got to Jr. High and he lived with his dad for awhile so I didn't see him.
When he was living in my hometown, going to school with me, we were really good friends.
He's a really really funny kid. We've always gotten along good. In high school I knew he was cute, but I never imagined us together. He always had a girlfriend and I always had a boyfriend (mistake.).

So he went on a Mormon mission as well. He came back in September, and we went out a few times. It was always really normal between us. We held hands and cuddled and laughed so much. It didn't go very far, I think because James was coming home soon too. So we soon stopped hanging out.

I found out later that he dated a girl from high school for like a month before she left on HER mission (WEIRD) and I think he gave her a ring...

Well him and I started hanging out again in February. We talked about how we both have missionaries out....but the more we hung out, the less we talked about them. And the closer we got. At first we were just hanging out as 'friends'. Cuddling, going on double dates, not kissing.

Then we kissed. And it was so great. I loved it. And wanted to keep kissing him. We were hanging out every single day.

Back in January...he signed up for the Marines. All this time we've been hanging out, I knew he was leaving. But it didnt seem like that big of a deal until a few weeks ago. When we basically became official. And I realized I loved him. And I told him that. And he told me he loved me. And I can't stop telling him, and can't get enough of hearing him tell me.
Now he's leaving tomorrow. To boot camp. Marine boot camp. Where he can't text, can't call, can't e-mail. Just send fun letters.



this picture makes my heart hurt.

I can't believe tomorrow is the day. I've been hanging out with him every single free minute that I have, I can not IMAGINE what is going to happen to me Monday morning when I realize how gone he really is.

And the best part of this all.

Is that he gets back from boot camp the same day my missionary, Charlie, gets back.

Since the east coast. Part I.

I thought it would be a good idea if i got caught up on my male dramz from the last 8 ish months.
So that I can vent about all my new ones.


So I dated Anthony Foster for a few months while out there.
He was so cute.
Quarterback of the college football team, tall, funny.

We dated seriously for about a month, until I moved back.
When I got home, I basically went straight to California.
Made a stop in a small town on the way and hooked up with Mikey Burke.
We have known each other since Middle School.
I'd always wanted to hook up with him.
And finally I did, and it was good.


Then we made our way to California.
We hung out with our ladies, meeting men of all different shapes and sizes. The last night there was July 4th. We were watching fireworks on the beach. I saw a cute (ish) kid. He asked to sit by me.
We unded up making out during the fire works (slut?).

After the fireworks, we went to a party. I felt so guilty that I called up Anthony. And told him I'd just kissed someone (I said "one kiss" and forgot to mention Mikey...)
Anthony was mad. And I cried. And it ruined my last night of my vacation. I stayed inside and didn't go out the rest of the night, even though all my girlfriends did.

The next week, my dad was going out of town.
Perfect opportunity for a party.

So me and three of my girlfriends invited everyone we knew.
It was a really fun party, a lot of mingling, some dancing, and a lot of catching up.
Unfortunately, it was mostly a high school reunion....

Which brings me to Chad Taylor.
He'd hooked up with my best friend the year before.
Not that cute, but sassy. In a good way.
He invited me to be his "date" that weekend. Him and a couple of his friends were all taking girls and going up to his cabin in Idaho.

So I went. One of my good girl friends was his friends' date.
We flirted the whole weekend, cuddled, drove 4-wheelers together, and finally.
The last day.
We kissed.

We both figured it'd be a weekend thing. But we ended up dating.

I can get to that later.

Before we became "OFFICIAL", I hung out with Michael Bradley.
I met him at the same party I had at my house.
He was really cute. Veagan, indie, religious, different.
He said he was anti dating.
But he took me on a date.
We rode our bikes to the theater and watched a movie. Then came back to my place and made out. He was and still is one of the best kissers I've kissed. (Don't I say that about everyone? I'm serious this time.)

We kept hanging out off and on, but never kissed again.

One week, soon after Chad and I had gotten home from our weekend getaway, he went out of town.

So I hung out with Jordan Thomas. I swear there has been sexual tension there ever since Middle School.
We have been friends since then, and I've always liked him. Now, he kind of reminds me of Anthony. Tall, dark haired, funny, handsome, basketball star. Seriously, he played Varsity in 9th grade.

We hooked up while Chad was in Hawaii.

Oh, did I mention Jordan was one of Chad's good friends? They played basketball together all through high school.





Okay, that's all for now.
I'll do better at updating more often.

Unfortunately, I have A LOT to say.

On Your Porch.

James and I hung out on Saturday.

He took me to dinner.

Then our other plans fell through, so we went to my sisters house and hung out with her, her husband, and their baby. He is the cutest little kid in the world.

My brother-in-laws parents came over too, so we all hung out and laughed and gossiped and played duck duck goose with the 3 year old.

It was so much fun.

James is really good with kids.

We went back to my house and made out of course,

he is such a good kisser.

He asked me what my favorite song was.

So I told him it was The Format-On Your Porch.

And he said he would learn it on the guitar for me.

Nothing else was said of it.

He called me Wednesday night.

"Hey [you], you're on speaker. (he was at a little coffee shop in the (very smalllll) city where he goes to school.) Everyone say hello (HELLO!!!!!!!). I'm going to play a song for you."

And he played On Your Porch.

And he changed the words.

=

I was on your porch, the smoke sank into my skin. So I came inside to be with you.

We talked all night. About everything we could imagine, cuz come the morning I'll be gone.

As our eyes start to close, I turn to you....and I let you know...that I Love you.

No here I sit. In a coffee shop in [cityyy...], my thoughts bounce off of my guitar.

That's the way its been. Ever since we met in Richmond, but now we've got something to prove.

And I, I can see your eyes, but tell me something...can you see mine?

Cuz what's left to lose, I've don't enough.

And if I fail, well then I fail, but I gave it a shot.

These last two years, I know they've been hard.

But now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun...even if its alone.

It was so cute. And when he was done, everyone clapped and "awwwwwwwww"ed.

It's what any girl would love.

He does all the right things, says all the right things.

But for some reason, I'm still pushing him away.

12. Spencer Bloom

Spencer deserves his own post.

7 years older than me, met him at a church function.
We went out a few times, never kissed.
Watched the office all the time (He is Jim, I am Pam).
Seriously.
He reminds me SO much of Jim, I can't watch the Office anymore.






We dated for a couple months, then I started dating 11. Winston Reed.
(FYI, the list on the left indicated the order in which the BF's were kissed. Hmm.)

Then I moved to the E. C. and ditched them both.

I wrote Spencer on facebook a lot, we text everyday, would talk at night when I was walking home from the subway. I came home and visited, exactly a year ago, and hung out with him.

He was dating another girl, he said he really liked her and things were going well for them. (The part where Jim tells Pam he's seeing someone, REALLY happened to me.)
So when I came home to visit, I didn't tell him about it. Instead I told him in a sly way (facebook status : IS HOME!!)

So he called me about an hour after I had changed my status. He asked me why I didn't tell him I was home and asked if I wanted to come over. I visited him that night, we watched the office with my cousin and his roommates. Right before my cousin and I left, he almost kissed me. I'm not sure why he didn't.
We went out again, a couple nights later. We watched the Office (I swear we did other stuff) and got hot chocolate. I stayed at his house until 5 am. He finally kissed me that night. We made out and talked all night. About EVERYTHING.
He said he really liked Amy (the other woman :) )
I told him about my missionary.
I talked to him about my parents and the issues we've been through.
We got along really well and I loved it.

When he dropped me off, it was really sad.
I was going back, 2,000 miles away.
He was here with his new girl.

So we didn't talk for few days.
Then I saw him on Sunday. I went to his house after wards.
It was weird, because I thought we were done.
I thought he'd made it clear when telling me about Amy.

But we cuddled.
And he kissed me goodbye.


I cried the whole way home.


Then I went back.
We talked a little bit, but he kept dating the girl.
And I watched that video over and over, and cried and missed him.

Finally I moved home in the summer, and we went out. And it was fun.

Then he went to army boot camp (or something) the next day for a few months.

When he came back I was dating Chad Taylor, we actually became bf/gf for awhile (mistake?).
When we broke up I started hanging out with Spencer again.
We went out on a few dates, hung out a lot, kissed some, and I got scared.

Having a missionary is not fun.

I got scared because I liked Spencer, and I think I liked him a lot.
He was older than me, I am not, was not, and will not be ready to be married (anytime soon)
But he was. He was looking for a girlfriend, I wasn't ready to settle down.
So I guess I just started avoiding him and he took the hint really fast.

He deleted me from ichat.
Stopped texting me.
and asked one of my good friends on a date.

I found out on Christmas Eve that he'd asked her out.
I sat there shocked.
I didn't know what to do, because I wasn't dating him anymore. And he's a really great guy, he needs to date a really great girl. And my friend is a really great girl.
She text me, asking how I felt. So I just told her I think she should go out with him.

The next week I saw him at church.
He came straight up to me and gave me the biggest hug. And said "I've missed you a lot." I just sat there, so hurt. Not knowing what to say. He proceeded to tell me he was sorry for shutting me out, but he wasn't ready to be friends with me yet. He never thought he'd be able to be my "FRIEND", but now he was (awesome).
He could tell I was upset. I wanted to explain everything to him. I really liked him, but I was scared. And I was close to tears. So I just told him it was okay, and I forgave him for pushing me away.

I think that's the last time I REALLY talked to him. I see him and church often.
A few weeks ago his status on facebook changed to "In a Relationship."

It killed me.

I deleted him from my facebook. I didn't want to see updates all the time of him and his new girlfriend. (Who happens to be my best friends cousin).

I was going to email him after we'd had that long intense talk at church. But I kept talking myself out of it. Finally, last week, I emailed him.

Spencer,
I think I'll always regret it if I never explain why everthing happened how it did. I don't want to intrude or make anything in your life confusing, so let me know when or if that would ever be possible.
Hope things are good for you,
(me)

spencer to me
show details Feb 9 (5 days ago)


(his nickname for me), I'm pretty sure I understand. You had a missionary you were waiting for and you didn't want to start anything with anyone else. It's really not that big of a deal. I guess I might be wrong so if you want to get some lunch sometime, that would be fun. Maybe the classic Paradise? Let me know. I hope we can still be friends.

See ya,
Spencer




I never wrote him back. He has a girlfriend, I can't go to lunch with him. And I can't make him and his girlfriend question their relationship.
But I think I want to.

I have James, and Charlie already. But I want Spencer.



UGH!


And to top it off.


Two days ago he sent me a message on facebook.



"You deleted me."


I didn't write back.


And I'll probably see him at church tomorrow.

torn by two guys.

In summer of '07 I sent off a missionary.
9. Charlie Baker
Meaning he left to preach about God and Jesus Christ for two whole years.

I can't see him for 2 years, and I'm not supposed to talk to him.
( I have though.

Twice. )


When he left, I was madly in love with him.
We did the funnest, craziest things.
I swore I'd date around, but also swore I wouldn't be married and would date him when he got back.

Hmm. Very contradicting.


Well, in the mean time, I moved to the east coast, then moved back home with my family. Moved out with some friends and dated/one night standed with 10-29.

Now I'm on 30.
James Evans.

And I think I actually like him.


We went out last night. He went to see the Confessions of a Shopaholic with me,
that's the first good sign.

Then we got pizza and went to his house. And umm.
Made out for say...four hours!

And all during this, he knew about Charlie.

And he kept talking about him.
About how he's nervous because he likes me and doesn't want to lose me to him blah blah blah.

I like him, but I love Charlie.

I should have locked myself in my house for 2 years, doing nothing but work and go to school , saving money so when he got home we could get married and live happily ever after.
I wish I could go back .

And now I have a date with James tonight.
And am kind of hoping we'll make out again.

First Entry.

So here I am.

Just created my boy blog.

I have all of these thoughts and theories about boys that I've learned since I was 15.

I grew up in a relatively religious family. I am the youngest of four.

My eldest dated a lot, but the middle two didn't.

Then there was me. I got my first boyfriend, Brandon Boyd, age 15.

That's where it all started.

I was locked down for 3 years.

THREE!

But don't get me wrong, there was plenty of dating going on in the mean time.

When we were in our "off seasons", I happened to sneak in...

• Chris Neff, second boyfriend. Pot head, drinker, who loved me.
  

Still loves me.

• Scott Donald. The boy who let me and my best friend cheat off him through all of chemistry. The boy who had been in and out of Boys Ranches and didn't have parents living in America, but wouldn't skip class with us for the LIFE OF HIM.
  

• Travis Perkins. Baseball player, a year younger than me and a real looker. He'd just gotten out of a relationship too, so rebounds were enjoyed all around.
  

• Tim Perry, one kiss was all, in the 3 weeks leading up to it.
  

• Jim Smith. Second pot head. I don't think I ever hung out with him or hooked up with him when he was sober. I was only 17 (pretty inexperienced...), he was 16, always drunk, and always trying to grope me. Even during the rides at the fair.
  

Then I went back to Brandon. We dated for another year before finally cutting it off after high school. This is the longest relationship I've been in. I was with him from 15-18. I grew up with him, learned everything there is to known about psychological disorders, fell in love, got my heart broken MULTIPLE times, and eventually ended up breaking his.

I have so much to say about him, so many experiences to share.

But I will save those for other posts.

This is just the beginning.